Afraid to Wear Shorts

Guy in Shorts

I am in the middle of a seventeen day vacation with my kids. Seventeen days straight of being able to be with my kids! Many of you may not comprehend the joy I feel in saying that because you may not have tasted the loneliness divorce brings to the non-custodial parent. In the last four years of divorce, the longest I recall being able to be with my kids in successive days was about seven. In case you haven’t caught on, seventeen is more than seven…that’s right, it’s seven plus a TEEN! Holy Puberty Batman! That’s stinking awesome! Seriously, I am more than happy to deal with my sixteen year old, love struck, son who spends twenty-two hours a day texting his girlfriend and the other two hours talking about how he misses her. (on a side note; We had lunch and went to a movie with said girlfriend and her mother yesterday who couldn’t stop talking about what a gentleman my son is! Well, he gets it honest!)

Anyhoo, as I type this I am about to get that wonderful young man as well as my beautiful ten year old daughter up for phase two of our vacation. Did I mention that it’s a SEVENTEEN day vaca?!!!!! As I’m thinking about the wonderful time we had in the mountains of Tennessee last week, I am reminded of the first day and a post I wanted to write earlier but was too busy riding roller coasters and breathing mountain air! Yay me!

I woke up that morning and was about to begin packing the car. As I grabbed my duffle bag filled with my clothes (wait, does anyone say duffle bag anymore? Did I just lose cool points for that? **face-palm**) I picked the bag up and suddenly fear came over me. Sweat began to break out and my hands began to shake. Have you ever seen the cinematic trick where the background suddenly stretches further back and the focal point of the shot gets closer? Oh yeah, that totally happened. It was both awesome and absolutely terrifying all at once! My knees got weak and my heart began pounding. Okay, that really didn’t happen BUT it would have had I filmed that scene because I was freaking out.

Why was I freaking out? I remembered that I did not pack a single pair of long pants, only shorts! (cue the screeching string section) Continue reading

Sometimes Freedom Stinks!

surprise-face-300x264In case you haven’t noticed, I am a dude. I am dude of dudes and this dude enjoys being a dude. One of the few pleasures of being a divorced dude is that I can freely be said dude most of the time without concern for being found out to be a brutish dude. For those of you who do not understand what I mean by that, let me enlighten you.

WARNING: This post is very much a male-driven post. For females who might have weak stomachs when a man is, well – a man – consider yourselves warned. #smileyface #winkwink Continue reading

What Would Make a Man Pray For Trouble?

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The years of 2012, 2013, and most of 2014 were very difficult years for me. I dealt with a divorce after 14 years of marriage, abandonment by my pastoral staff at a church I had served for the previous four years, an eight and a half month unemployment, when I did find a job my finances were cut to a third of what I had previously been making (Less than I had made since 1999), I went into a deep depression, and found myself struggling to keep my head above the waters of despair. I can’t tell you how many times I would be five minutes from having to drive the hour long drive to drop my kids off with their mom when out of the blue I would have to quietly go upstairs and cry while I tried to compose myself from a panic attack. Then I would drive them to their mother and break down once again after I dropped them off.

Those were some of the hardest, most impossible times to traverse and yet, today I found myself wishing I was going through them again. What could make a man wish he was going through hell on earth again?
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A Lee By Any Other Name…

Okay, this may be my deepest, darkest, most solemn confession ever on this blog. I mean, from here on out, it’s just going to be a cakewalk. To be honest, I don’t really know how to bring this up. Should I just come out and say it or start out by saying something on the lighter side and then slowly reveal the moral of the story? Should I even reveal this publicly? I mean I just started this blog and am starting to gain some followers, do I really want to come out of the box with this kind of reveal? Sheesh, this blog thing is so difficult. I mean, so much weighs on what we say, and how we say it. If we say the wrong thing it could be disastrous and saying the right thing sometimes alienates us slaps a big fat stigma on us. Not to be confused with stigmata because I’m not Christ, and I am also not a statue…I do bleed from time to time though…so I am alive…just in case you were wondering.

(Disclaimer: No computers were used in the creation of this blog article…well, okay, maybe one BUT a human told it what to put in it)

Where was I? Oh yeah, so guess I’m just gonna have to come out and say it…

here it comes…

wait for it…

wait for it…

okay, a little bit longer…

tic toc tic toc…

and…

okay, here goes nothing… Continue reading

Do I Really Have to Brush My Teeth?

Brush Your Teeth

Have you ever woke up and just not wanted to brush your teeth? Oh, come on, I can’t be the only one who feels that way! Really? I am? Well, that’s awkward. Momma always said I was stranger than a three legged cat wearing a turtle shell and smoking a cigar.

So, anyway, as I am getting…umm…slightly more mature these days, I am finding that my body is rebelling. I’m serious you guys, I hurt in places I didn’t know I had…or could it be I forgot I had? Hmm, so I wake up in the morning and my knees are hurting, my back is usually feeling like I have been imitating a contortionist all night long, and even my eyes hurt. I put my work clothes on, go down stairs scratching my beard, and…err…other parts unknown. As I walk in the bathroom I see my toothbrush and I think to myself, “I work with a bunch of guys who chew dip, does it really matter if I brush my teeth? I could just gargle some Listerine and I would still be ahead of the game”. Yes, that really happens to me.

Think about it, life would be so much easier if we just didn’t have to brush our teeth. I mean the strength it takes to pick up the brush, squeeze the tube, raise it up to our mouth, and push the “on” button, not to mention keeping that buzzing projectile of doom under control…sheesh, that thing is dangerous! Think of what could be done with all that energy; fossil fuels would no longer be needed, the nations would find peace, men would enjoy talking to their wives more than watching football, kids would go outside and play and never touch an electronic device again (except to read my blog. Way to go kids!), and we would have more time to weave baskets…because that’s what the world needs, more straw baskets!

So, do I really have to brush my teeth?

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What Am I Doing Here?

Angry man2

Well, I told you in my first post, The Most Narcissistic Blog Ever, I would, at times, be “painfully transparent” and today is one of those days.

I am angry, maybe livid is a better word. Yeah, I like that, it seems to be closer to what I am feeling inside. I certainly don’t feel like the hero of the faith I desire to be, more like the Grumpy Old Troll of the faith. But not the slightly annoying but oddly cute little guy on the kids cartoon Dora the Explorer, no, I’m more sinister than that. More like the big, fat, ugly, blabbering trolls who attempt to eat Bilbo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings movie, which I can’t remember the name of right now and I am simply too frustrated to

Google for fact checking. Heck I don’t even know if I spelled Bilbo’s name right or if it was him they tried to eat…and that makes me angry!

What am I doing Here? Continue reading

And God Waits…

I am exhausted. I was awake for twenty-two hours yesterday. Twenty of those hours were spent either working or driving to and from job sites. I left my house yesterday at 6:45 am and got home this morning at 4:00 am. It is currently 9:46 am and I have been up since 7:00 so I am operating off of three hours sleep. Never mind the fact that I only got four hours sleep the night before. I will say it again, I am exhausted! I’m also frustrated, a little moody…eh, angry might be a better word, and confused out of my mind. I mean, I seriously can’t think straight.

It began early this morning as we were making the three hour drive home. The route we took went straight through the town I lived in for six years and much of it was the exact route I drove for two years to and from work every day as we were working right next door to one of my former stores. Yet, I could not keep my bearings straight. This was not good considering I was the ship’s navigator so to speak. A couple of times we had to stop, turn around, and get back on course. GPS might would have been a better navigator but, “don’t worry I know this town like the back of my hand!”. Lol!

We stopped at one point to buy some coffee. I am certain the cashier probably thought I was smashed of my gourd from alcohol. I was swaying to and fro as I walked, my speech was slow and a bit slurred, and when he handed me my bag, I dropped it on the floor. It was not a good night for me…though my coworkers had quite a laugh, I’m sure.

What to do? What to do? Continue reading