What Am I Doing Here?

Angry man2

Well, I told you in my first post, The Most Narcissistic Blog Ever, I would, at times, be “painfully transparent” and today is one of those days.

I am angry, maybe livid is a better word. Yeah, I like that, it seems to be closer to what I am feeling inside. I certainly don’t feel like the hero of the faith I desire to be, more like the Grumpy Old Troll of the faith. But not the slightly annoying but oddly cute little guy on the kids cartoon Dora the Explorer, no, I’m more sinister than that. More like the big, fat, ugly, blabbering trolls who attempt to eat Bilbo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings movie, which I can’t remember the name of right now and I am simply too frustrated to

Google for fact checking. Heck I don’t even know if I spelled Bilbo’s name right or if it was him they tried to eat…and that makes me angry!

What am I doing Here?

You may wonder why I am so angry. You are not alone, I don’t know myself all I know is everything, and I mean everything is tipping me over the edge these last few days. I’ve jumped down my co-workers throats, I’ve let a misunderstanding with my ex wife turn me into a bitter ex husband who just wants to “make her pay”, I punched my laptop last night after spending four hours writing a beautiful, passionate article for this blog only to have every single letter disappear right before I clicked “publish”. Some of the words that came out of my mouth when that happened made me realize I am a long way from the man I long to be.

It seems as if everything is conspiring against me to make me lose it. My air conditioner has been acting up since Friday. I HATE THE HEAT!!!!!!! So A/C issues and me don’t do well but I finally got it cooling again after several issues occurred and were corrected. Then today, once I fixed yester issue another one popped up. The bearings in my fan are going bad and so I have to lean over into my passenger side floorboard to give it a “love tap” under my glove compartment every now and again to get it going. This has been going on for about a year but has been bearable until today. Today I have had to leave the love taps behind and transition into a big, beer bellied man who wears “wife beater” t-shirts beating his wife for not getting his beer fast enough. I mean, I have to beat the thing mercilessly. The good thing is, the beating is a good outlet for my anger.

I don’t really know what is causing this sudden anger, maybe it’s the fact that it has been twelve days since my last day off and two of those days have been going in at seven in the morning and getting home at two or four the next morning. I am tired and I know when I’m tired, I get very grumpy. Maybe it’s the fact that Sunday is my forty-third birthday and I will be alone on that day. Although it is supposed to be my weekend, my ex asked if she could take the kids to the beach this weekend for her vacation with them. Since I still can’t say no to her I agreed and so I won’t see my kids on my birthday for the first time in their lives and that frustrates me. I also won’t get to see my girlfriend that day because I was supposed to work this weekend, including Sunday, and so she decided to go to Daytona Beach with a friend.

Maybe those are the causes or maybe they aren’t. What I fear the most is that it is an old enemy who I haven’t had to deal with for two years now. Depression absolutely sucks and I know all too well it’s symptoms. I know the aches and pains, the lack of energy, the on edge feeling, the feelings of worthlessness and many other issues. I have felt many of these symptoms over the last few days. Tonight, after I had dinner with my kids for my birthday, I was driving home and suddenly I began crying because I forgot to give them the money I wanted them to have for spending on their trip. I mean, I looked like a blubbering idiot going down the road at 65 miles an hour wiping my nose and tears running down my face.

So, that is what this Wannabe Hero is facing tonight. I am sitting here trying my best to find some clever twist to this whole situation that reveals a spiritual truth but I’ve got nothing…zip…zilch…nada…a big fat goose egg! I guess sometimes that is how life hits us. Sometimes it is impossible to see God in the mess of our day to day struggles. He’s there, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes He is silent and hidden. Like the clouds hide the sun our troubles sometimes hide Him.

The question is, what am I going to do with this situation? AHA! It literally just came to me how to tie this into a spiritual truth…

Elijah had just defeated the prophets of Baal in that epic showdown where he prayed a simple prayer and fire came down to prove there is only one true God and that was the God of Elijah. Elijah’s courageous act brought about a change in the people of Israel, it awakened the idolatrous souls and revived their determination to serve God. Yet, just a couple of days later, Elijah was fleeing for His life and hiding in a cave. As Elijah laid in the cave throwing himself a pity party, an angel came and asked him, “What are you doing here Elijah?”

Maybe “why” isn’t the question I need to ask, maybe it should be “what”. What am I doing here? What am I DOING here? What things am I doing as I am in this situation? Why am I am here doesn’t really matter, God operates in the good and the bad, the big and the small, the forceful and the peaceful. God has promised that He will go wherever I go, He will never leave me or forsake me. So even in this place of anger, frustration, and disappointment. God is here. If I pay attention, I may hear the wind blow, I may feel the earth shake underneath my feet, I may feel the scorching heat of the fire burning my hopes and dreams, but in the midst of all that, if I listen, I will hear that “still, small voice” (Just like Elijah did ( 1 Kings 19:9-13) saying, “Do you hear me? Are you learning to trust me even when you don’t see me?”

So, what am I doing here? Other than typing a slightly incoherent article, I am finding that God is here…right here, where I am living…speaking soft and tender words of love and encouragement.

Peace, Love, and Awakening!

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2 thoughts on “What Am I Doing Here?

  1. Lee, may I ‘say’ something off the record? I ‘liked’ this post so that I could add a comment. You are probably not going to ‘like’ what I have to ‘say.’ I picked this post because it is not your most recent.

    You use self-deprecating humor (the “most narcissistic blog,” etc.) but seem to fail to see the truth in it. You want to be a powerful marketer for God but you are constantly marketing yourself. You mention God in passing and tell Bible stories…but only as they relate to you and your life.

    Does God influence you? How? Show me…don’t just tell me that He does. Tell stories of God ‘fathering’ you and how that has made a difference in how you parent your children. Tell me why you love Moody and the others and what about them inspires you to follow in their footsteps…not just their fame but their lives. What were their devotional lives like. What sacrificed ar mistakes did they make?

    By the way, don’t trust that face place; they censor posts, particularly Christian ones. Trust me, I know; I could tell you stories but the bottom line, the f company invited me to be permanently removed from the f system. I agreed.

    I pick up on the intensity of your desire to be a mover and shaker for God…but I don’t see evidence of your being moved or shaken. Show me that, and I will be influenced by your faith.

    Like

  2. Thank you for the comment Kitsy. I do appreciate it.

    While I see what you are saying, I don’t think you fully understand my purpose in this blog. Maybe I need to explain that further and I will go back and check for needed clarity. However, the name should give a hint as to the purpose, “Confessions of Wannabe Hero”. This blog is not necessarily written to “market God” as you say but to show the life and struggles of a man who desires to be a hero of the faith. The ups and downs. The times of humility and struggles with arrogance. The successes and epic failures. The lessons learned and lessons ignored. I am envisioning this as an online diary so to speak, which actually, now that I think about it is how blogs began.

    This particular post was written during a very trying time when I wasn’t “feeling like a hero”. I purposely wrote this during that time to show the raw ugliness of my feelings in order to point out that being a Christian is not always happy happy joy joy, it is tough sometimes to feel like worshiping but it’s not about feelings. It’s about searching and seeking for God even through those difficult times. As I said, “What am I doing here? I am FINDING God”

    By it’s nature, the blog IS about me….not God, hence the narcissistic post. If you are interested in my “marketing” of God I would suggest you check out Lee Lumley Ministries on Facebook however you said you no longer allowed on Facebook so…

    Interestingly enough I recorded a video about fathering and God Friday, I just have not been able to upload it yet. But then, it is about me going to pick up my kids for our vacation and thinking about how I only get to see them four days out of a month except during vacations, and then God revealing a spiritual truth to me, so you may feel that is simply “mentioning God in passing”. However, that is how God works in my life. He takes the dull drum of my life, my thoughts, my hurts, my feelings, my relationships and shows me how to draw closer to Him and to see Him in life. That is how He chooses to speak to me and through me and I am happy being that type of man.

    I do love Moody, and many others but they are not who I am trying to become. I am not an expert on their lives. I have done some studying of their live because they interest and excite me. However, I do not want to pattern myself off of their lives. I admire them and hope that my life will be as world changing as theirs but it will not be a remake of their lives, but the life Jesus shapes me into. As such, although I most certainly will from time to time mention things I admire about them, this blog is not written as a biography of past heroes. It is written to offer a transparent look into the life of someone trying to be all he can be for God.

    With that said, it is early in the life of this blog. I’ve done this a few times before and one thing I have learned is it take a little while (for me) to find my voice and zero in on the focus of the blog. I wrote my first blog for about a year before I honed in on the Square Watermelons theme. I wish I still had that blog up, I may start it back up once I get this one running smoothly. You would enjoy that one, it fits what you are asking for perfectly. It had more of a depth and diving into truths of scripture to it. I actually LOVE that kind of writing but I also LOVE the light hearted and more conversational writing which is my desire on this blog.

    Thanks again for the comment. I will definitely keep it in mind. I am always examining myself and asking God as well as trusted advisers what adjustment I need to make. Please do continue reading and feel free to comment anytime. I wasn’t aware that you couldn’t comment without liking. I will see if I can figure out how to fix that.

    Sorry for the book…lol…but I wanted to cover everything you mentioned.

    Like

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