Well, I told you in my first post, The Most Narcissistic Blog Ever, I would, at times, be “painfully transparent” and today is one of those days.
I am angry, maybe livid is a better word. Yeah, I like that, it seems to be closer to what I am feeling inside. I certainly don’t feel like the hero of the faith I desire to be, more like the Grumpy Old Troll of the faith. But not the slightly annoying but oddly cute little guy on the kids cartoon Dora the Explorer, no, I’m more sinister than that. More like the big, fat, ugly, blabbering trolls who attempt to eat Bilbo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings movie, which I can’t remember the name of right now and I am simply too frustrated to
Google for fact checking. Heck I don’t even know if I spelled Bilbo’s name right or if it was him they tried to eat…and that makes me angry!
What am I doing Here?
You may wonder why I am so angry. You are not alone, I don’t know myself all I know is everything, and I mean everything is tipping me over the edge these last few days. I’ve jumped down my co-workers throats, I’ve let a misunderstanding with my ex wife turn me into a bitter ex husband who just wants to “make her pay”, I punched my laptop last night after spending four hours writing a beautiful, passionate article for this blog only to have every single letter disappear right before I clicked “publish”. Some of the words that came out of my mouth when that happened made me realize I am a long way from the man I long to be.
It seems as if everything is conspiring against me to make me lose it. My air conditioner has been acting up since Friday. I HATE THE HEAT!!!!!!! So A/C issues and me don’t do well but I finally got it cooling again after several issues occurred and were corrected. Then today, once I fixed yester issue another one popped up. The bearings in my fan are going bad and so I have to lean over into my passenger side floorboard to give it a “love tap” under my glove compartment every now and again to get it going. This has been going on for about a year but has been bearable until today. Today I have had to leave the love taps behind and transition into a big, beer bellied man who wears “wife beater” t-shirts beating his wife for not getting his beer fast enough. I mean, I have to beat the thing mercilessly. The good thing is, the beating is a good outlet for my anger.
I don’t really know what is causing this sudden anger, maybe it’s the fact that it has been twelve days since my last day off and two of those days have been going in at seven in the morning and getting home at two or four the next morning. I am tired and I know when I’m tired, I get very grumpy. Maybe it’s the fact that Sunday is my forty-third birthday and I will be alone on that day. Although it is supposed to be my weekend, my ex asked if she could take the kids to the beach this weekend for her vacation with them. Since I still can’t say no to her I agreed and so I won’t see my kids on my birthday for the first time in their lives and that frustrates me. I also won’t get to see my girlfriend that day because I was supposed to work this weekend, including Sunday, and so she decided to go to Daytona Beach with a friend.
Maybe those are the causes or maybe they aren’t. What I fear the most is that it is an old enemy who I haven’t had to deal with for two years now. Depression absolutely sucks and I know all too well it’s symptoms. I know the aches and pains, the lack of energy, the on edge feeling, the feelings of worthlessness and many other issues. I have felt many of these symptoms over the last few days. Tonight, after I had dinner with my kids for my birthday, I was driving home and suddenly I began crying because I forgot to give them the money I wanted them to have for spending on their trip. I mean, I looked like a blubbering idiot going down the road at 65 miles an hour wiping my nose and tears running down my face.
So, that is what this Wannabe Hero is facing tonight. I am sitting here trying my best to find some clever twist to this whole situation that reveals a spiritual truth but I’ve got nothing…zip…zilch…nada…a big fat goose egg! I guess sometimes that is how life hits us. Sometimes it is impossible to see God in the mess of our day to day struggles. He’s there, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes He is silent and hidden. Like the clouds hide the sun our troubles sometimes hide Him.
The question is, what am I going to do with this situation? AHA! It literally just came to me how to tie this into a spiritual truth…
Elijah had just defeated the prophets of Baal in that epic showdown where he prayed a simple prayer and fire came down to prove there is only one true God and that was the God of Elijah. Elijah’s courageous act brought about a change in the people of Israel, it awakened the idolatrous souls and revived their determination to serve God. Yet, just a couple of days later, Elijah was fleeing for His life and hiding in a cave. As Elijah laid in the cave throwing himself a pity party, an angel came and asked him, “What are you doing here Elijah?”
Maybe “why” isn’t the question I need to ask, maybe it should be “what”. What am I doing here? What am I DOING here? What things am I doing as I am in this situation? Why am I am here doesn’t really matter, God operates in the good and the bad, the big and the small, the forceful and the peaceful. God has promised that He will go wherever I go, He will never leave me or forsake me. So even in this place of anger, frustration, and disappointment. God is here. If I pay attention, I may hear the wind blow, I may feel the earth shake underneath my feet, I may feel the scorching heat of the fire burning my hopes and dreams, but in the midst of all that, if I listen, I will hear that “still, small voice” (Just like Elijah did ( 1 Kings 19:9-13) saying, “Do you hear me? Are you learning to trust me even when you don’t see me?”
So, what am I doing here? Other than typing a slightly incoherent article, I am finding that God is here…right here, where I am living…speaking soft and tender words of love and encouragement.
Peace, Love, and Awakening!
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